I am almost at the point where almost every single day a stranger talks to me. And not easy benign stuff, like "hey do you know where the nearest bank is?" Like weird crap.
I went out Saturday night for a concert and to see friends I hadn't seen in a long time. I ended up staying over on a friend's couch for the night. Needless to say, riding home on the subway for an hour after a bit of overindulging and sleeping on a couch in my clothes, maybe I wasn't at my best.
But this guy comes up to me, despite the headphones (side note: this always gets me--I have headphones on; unless you want to ask me a question because I look knowledgeable, don't bother me, just don't do it) and gets in my face and starts talking to me.
Weirdo Guy: Hey, I couldn't help but notice you sitting over here, looking all beautiful.
Me: [after I recall how I hadn't brushed my teeth in over 24 hours, had slept in a rumpled mess, and also didn't wash off any eye makeup before bed, so I clearly looked like I had died a few days earlier and just didn't know yet]
Mmm.
Weirdo Guy: No really. What's your name?
Me: [I stare blankly and just motion to the headphones to be like, "oh can't hear you."
Weirdo Guy: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?? [he upped the volume to be sure I heard. Thanks, guy.]
Me: [I start panicking--I can't think of a single name that isn't MY NAME to give this guy and I am clearly uncomfortable and saying nothing for seconds on end; COME UP WITH A NAME ALREADY!]
My name is... Annnnnnnnnnnn.
Now I like to think I am usually a little better at thinking of things. But seriously, if I am going to bother with a fake name, WHY pick a name that is basically MY NAME? Diane, Ann. Not so different...
Weirdo guy: Well you look good. What, you got a boyfriend or somethin'?
Me: oh, mmm-hmm. Yup. I got a serious boyfriend. We are like, so serious. He's great. We're so happy. He's tall.
Another note: Maybe don't overplay how happy you are with the non-existent boyfriend, because the more you go on, the less it seems like he exists.
So the guy was like "awww, dag." And he went to sit diagonally across from me and half sleep, half stare for the next half hour. Before getting off, he decided to use the subway pole to do some kind of weird, backbend stretching for a few minutes. Awesome.
Anyhow, then I was walking home on Monday night from the subway. I walk next to this guy who feels the need to start talking to me.
Street Creep: EXCUSE ME! [yeah, I had headphones in SO HE YELLED.]
Me: yes?
Street Creep: Are you okay?
Me: .... uh, yeah. I'm good.
Street Creep: You sure?
Me: [I look down to make sure I'm not randomly profusely bleeding, or missing a limb--but no, I'm good]
I'm positive.
Street Creep: Where are you from?
Me: [gesturing widely with my hands despite being about a block from home] I live in the Bronx.
Street Creep: What do you do? Like, for a living?
Me: Publishing.
Street Creep: And do you enjoy walking? Like, do you do it a lot?
Me: ..... uh, I don't think much about it.
Street Creep: Okay, well have a good night, sweetheart.
I mean, I don't mean to sound totally antisocial. But honestly, don't stop me when I'm trying to get home, before I have to make dinner, and go grocery shopping, just to get home and put off doing taxes yet again so I can go to bed and wake up for work. FOR NO REASON. That's the issue--people don't bother me with legitimate reasons, they bother me because they are crazy and for whatever reason, it is like they can find the crazy gene in me and identify with it and think I am a person happy to connect with them. Not so.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
What's My Age Again??
So I am basically a bachelor. Nobody thinks of single females as the type to despise food shopping, cooking, and doing dishes. But oh yeah, that is so me. So I have a tendency to get home, look in the barren fridge, have a pepperoncini or pickle slice, and go "I should SO just run out for a sushi roll or turkey burger" (to one of the places within half a block of me that make either option phenomenally convenient).
The other night I am craving sushi, so I head around the corner and order one sushi roll for myself and there is a sports game on the TV. Whatever, sushi is super fast, and I am good watching TV myself and then going home.
The guy next to me is about 65 and seems pretty benign, so when he starts talking to me I am pretty polite. It all seems like normal things; then he gets around to saying, "I have been a huge, huge Mets fan ever since the team came to be! I have loved them since '62! Will always be a fan!!" So things seem to be interesting for me. I asked "so how do you like CitiField?" His completely blank stare should have been a sign that maybe he wasn't totally above board with normalcy. "How do I like WHAT?"
"CitiField?"
"No, that is where the Yankees play."
"No, actually, they have enough money to STILL call their new stadium Yankee Stadium, but we play in CitiField."
"Really?!"
"Yup."
"Well."
I mean, that was kind of sign one. But my sushi hadn't arrived yet, and I was hungry, so we ended up still chatting a bit about stupid things I don't even remember. I start to think, "this guy is a little weird" right as my food comes. Strange Guy goes to the bathroom and the weirdo to the other side of me goes, "yo. yo. Yo, you eatin' Sushi????" So I look over and go, "ha, yeah. Sushi!" and he responds by saying, "can I get me one of those?" I mean, the roll has 8 slices and I paid almost $16 for it. Because I LOVE it. So no, I am not throwing $2 at you for no reason. So I totally ignore that guy and decided the crazy older fella is my best bet.
Boy, was I wrong.
So he gets back and starts telling all sorts of stories about the old days. And finally he gets to "so I'm not sure if you remember this, or heck, maybe you were there, but the '64 World's Fair was one heck of a time."
I mean, seriously???? I was born in 1980; the END OF 1980. I really, really don't like being compared to someone who would remember an event almost 20 years before my existence. Really??? If there is one thing you should never, ever, EVER do, it is telling someone they look like they could "remember" an event that happened 16 years BEFORE THEY WERE BORN. And at this point, I started staring at him in horror and distaste. Add 20 years to my life, and you are so dead to me...
So then he takes a call outside. And comes back in complaining about his girlfriend. I just kind of shrug along with older guy, because what do I know about that crap? Simultaneously, creepy "can i get some of dat" sushi guy keeps trying to "wave" me over, while I am sitting just 2 seats away. (I mean, really? Just speak up...) Then the phone rings again, creepy older guy answers it, and then puts THE PHONE IN MY HAND and says, "you have to talk to her, she won't listen to reason."
I am a wuss, by nature (working on that) so I go, ".....helloooo?" when I pick up the phone. This woman starts yelling at me. "And just who are you? Who do you think you are? You are out there trying to pick up MY MAN?" So I start to calmly explain to her the situation. I mean, why did I even try to do this?? Really, I am so stupid for not going, "oh I just developed a random case of being MUTE."
Oh my God.... I am NOT picking up a SIXTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MAN! I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET SOME SUSHI!!! And why did I field this call? Oh yeah, I am the biggest wuss ever.
"Hi, so I just want to let you know that I am here and there is absolutely nothing inappropriate going on, and he was just talking to me about sports while I waited for my sushi and he was just making small talk while I'm here, which is soon to come to a rapid end as I'm on my way out and there is absolutely nothing, nothing, for you to worry about. I mean, I'm THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD... CLEARLY nothing is happening."
her: "Well how do you think I feel when I hear that my BOYFRIEND is talking to some... TEXTBOOK EDITOR??!"
She spits the words out like it had been "prostitute" or "terrorist." I mean, really? Editors are SO not that bad. And frankly, SO not a romantic threat to you... we EDIT. Come on....
But anyway this complete stranger is yelling at me over the phone over a complete stranger who I was having less than 0% romantic chats with, and never would, and it just all felt so surreal. And I hate the part of me that goes, "But I have to fix this for him and PROVE that we aren't romantic!" Because how much is that NOT MY JOB in life.
Also, I never, ever, ever want to be the girl who actually speaks to someone on the PHONE when my significant other says "but no, she isn't a big deal!" Because I 100% wasn't, but come on. How pathetic is that. You guys have issues.
The other night I am craving sushi, so I head around the corner and order one sushi roll for myself and there is a sports game on the TV. Whatever, sushi is super fast, and I am good watching TV myself and then going home.
The guy next to me is about 65 and seems pretty benign, so when he starts talking to me I am pretty polite. It all seems like normal things; then he gets around to saying, "I have been a huge, huge Mets fan ever since the team came to be! I have loved them since '62! Will always be a fan!!" So things seem to be interesting for me. I asked "so how do you like CitiField?" His completely blank stare should have been a sign that maybe he wasn't totally above board with normalcy. "How do I like WHAT?"
"CitiField?"
"No, that is where the Yankees play."
"No, actually, they have enough money to STILL call their new stadium Yankee Stadium, but we play in CitiField."
"Really?!"
"Yup."
"Well."
I mean, that was kind of sign one. But my sushi hadn't arrived yet, and I was hungry, so we ended up still chatting a bit about stupid things I don't even remember. I start to think, "this guy is a little weird" right as my food comes. Strange Guy goes to the bathroom and the weirdo to the other side of me goes, "yo. yo. Yo, you eatin' Sushi????" So I look over and go, "ha, yeah. Sushi!" and he responds by saying, "can I get me one of those?" I mean, the roll has 8 slices and I paid almost $16 for it. Because I LOVE it. So no, I am not throwing $2 at you for no reason. So I totally ignore that guy and decided the crazy older fella is my best bet.
Boy, was I wrong.
So he gets back and starts telling all sorts of stories about the old days. And finally he gets to "so I'm not sure if you remember this, or heck, maybe you were there, but the '64 World's Fair was one heck of a time."
I mean, seriously???? I was born in 1980; the END OF 1980. I really, really don't like being compared to someone who would remember an event almost 20 years before my existence. Really??? If there is one thing you should never, ever, EVER do, it is telling someone they look like they could "remember" an event that happened 16 years BEFORE THEY WERE BORN. And at this point, I started staring at him in horror and distaste. Add 20 years to my life, and you are so dead to me...
So then he takes a call outside. And comes back in complaining about his girlfriend. I just kind of shrug along with older guy, because what do I know about that crap? Simultaneously, creepy "can i get some of dat" sushi guy keeps trying to "wave" me over, while I am sitting just 2 seats away. (I mean, really? Just speak up...) Then the phone rings again, creepy older guy answers it, and then puts THE PHONE IN MY HAND and says, "you have to talk to her, she won't listen to reason."
I am a wuss, by nature (working on that) so I go, ".....helloooo?" when I pick up the phone. This woman starts yelling at me. "And just who are you? Who do you think you are? You are out there trying to pick up MY MAN?" So I start to calmly explain to her the situation. I mean, why did I even try to do this?? Really, I am so stupid for not going, "oh I just developed a random case of being MUTE."
Oh my God.... I am NOT picking up a SIXTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MAN! I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET SOME SUSHI!!! And why did I field this call? Oh yeah, I am the biggest wuss ever.
"Hi, so I just want to let you know that I am here and there is absolutely nothing inappropriate going on, and he was just talking to me about sports while I waited for my sushi and he was just making small talk while I'm here, which is soon to come to a rapid end as I'm on my way out and there is absolutely nothing, nothing, for you to worry about. I mean, I'm THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD... CLEARLY nothing is happening."
her: "Well how do you think I feel when I hear that my BOYFRIEND is talking to some... TEXTBOOK EDITOR??!"
She spits the words out like it had been "prostitute" or "terrorist." I mean, really? Editors are SO not that bad. And frankly, SO not a romantic threat to you... we EDIT. Come on....
But anyway this complete stranger is yelling at me over the phone over a complete stranger who I was having less than 0% romantic chats with, and never would, and it just all felt so surreal. And I hate the part of me that goes, "But I have to fix this for him and PROVE that we aren't romantic!" Because how much is that NOT MY JOB in life.
Also, I never, ever, ever want to be the girl who actually speaks to someone on the PHONE when my significant other says "but no, she isn't a big deal!" Because I 100% wasn't, but come on. How pathetic is that. You guys have issues.
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