Last night, I was walking down the street towards my house and a random guy on the street stopped me and said, “excuse me. Do you know where Path Mark is?” So I turned and pointed and said, “Yup, it’s right there. See? You can see the sign for it like, right there? Like, RIGHT there?” (It was half a block away and the sign was really clear as day.)
So he was like “oh okay, thanks!” and I go to leave. He stops me again. “Oh, you know, I saw the sign, I actually was just wondering if you were Russian.” So I was like “.....uh, no.”
He walks over closer to me and shakes my hand. I mean, it wasn’t a job interview so I’m not clear on why that had to happen, but whatever. He tells me that I look just like a friend of his, and she is Russian, so he was just wondering if I was Russian too. As established, no. I repeat that no, I’m not in fact Russian. He tells me he is from Paris and most people think he’s hispanic but he’s French. Okay... And?
Him: But you have such beautiful eyes!
Me: Thanks, but... that doesn’t mean I’m Russian, does it?
HIm: But you look so much like my friend!
Me: Okay.
So then I started to leave and say, “Well, have a good night. Path Mark. Right there. Enjoy it!” I turn to try and get away.
Him: Oh are you walking back that way?
I mean, he saw me walking up the street in a specific direction. It isn’t like I was standing still when he came up to me. Nor was I just wandering and veering in many directions.
Me: Yes, I am walking up there.
Him: Okay me too. [what? No you aren’t, I thought you were going to Path Mark?]
Me: What? I thought Path Mark?
Him: Oh I wanted to go walk by Pep Boys.
Pep Boys? Pep Boys was closed. And who wants to walk BY it? It isn’t the Macy’s Christmas window. So he starts walking with me and I realize that basically, I am a block from my house and I can’t lose this guy and I really don’t want him following me in. So we get up near my house, he is still talking to me about absolutely nothing, and I am starting to wonder what the best move would be.
Him: You should take my number so you can text me and I can make you dinner.
Me: Oh, right. [I make no move to take out my phone.]
Him: So you live here?
Me: [Staring at the house next to mine vacantly] Yeah, I live over herrreeeeeeish.
Him: Do you want to go in and have a drink?
Who the heck meets you and in 5 minutes wants to come inside your house? Murderers, that’s who. So I was trying to be nice enough to not have a situation on my hands, but ugh. I try to give him helpful information, like “the train is over there! Are you taking a taxi? Do you need directions somewhere?” and he just won’t go. He wants to know if I live alone. I was like “no, actually, I live with family. A lot of people. I’m NEVER alone.”
HIm: awwww.
Me: Yup.
Him: Do you want to sit outside with me for a minute?
Me: I really have to get inside.
Him: I would love to see your apartment.
Me: That sucks.
Him: Can I not see it?
Me: No.
Him: Let me touch your hand.
Me: [thinking he wanted to shake hands] okay, bye!
Instead he takes my hand, waxes on and on about how soft it is (it isn’t), and kisses my hand, and starts in on my fingers. It felt like someone was rubbing a dead fish all over my fingers. How someone could have a mouth that was so.... cold.... ick!
I pulled my hand back, horrified, and said bye.
Him: Don’t forget to call me.
Me: Sure.
Him: Did you get my number?
Me: yeah, you already gave it to me. Bye!
I just don’t know how to be meaner in these situations. Because I always feel like when someone is crazy, it makes it worse to be mean! Like then you’ll make them snap.
But even still, I wonder if it isn't better than my brief foray into online dating, where I opened the app and THE VERY FIRST THING THEY RECOMMEND TO ME is this gem.
Where has he been all my life? So romantic!