I swear I bathe

So yesterday I was leaving for work (really late, again) and as I headed out the door I saw my landlord/fake uncle parking his car. (Meanwhile, how someone who is retired can be up, ready, out and BACK before I can even force myself to leave for work is really beyond me.)

I stop to wait for him and notice a lady walks by me, pretty slowly. So I chat with my fake uncle for a few minutes, about pretty much nothing, but just small talk. Then I turn to go to my car, which is probably only 30 feet away, and see that the lady who had walked by is still kinda there. Just loitering near where we had been talking. So fake uncle goes inside, and I start to walk to car.

And the lady is like, "Sweetheart! Can I ask you a question?!"

Now, I get bothered a lot. I don't know what it is about me, but so far on my street alone I have had several weird conversations. One guy tried to sell me a half-eaten muffin from a dirty old rag, one guy just asked for money, one guy was yelling at himself and then me when he passed by, and one guy knocked on my passenger car window one day when I had just gotten in. I opened the window like, a decimeter. First, he asked me for a quarter, and I was like, "ooh, no. I don't have it." So then he asked if he could just borrow my cell phone. And I swear, I am a nice person. But I typically don't like to lend things to strangers, especially things I can't really afford to replace, and they had literally just shut down an institution/rehab in my neighborhood about a week earlier and just let the "healthiest" people go. So I was like "you know, I don't have a cell phone." Of all the inopportune moments, he looked down at my passenger seat where apparently my cell phone was peeking out from my bag. So I broke down and was like, "you know what? I just found a quarter." I gave him that and he seemed happy enough.

So anyway, back to my lady and the story at hand.

Lady: "Sweetheart?"

Me: "[walk, walk, walk]"

Lady: "Sweetheart, can I ask you a question?"

Me: "mmm-hmm?"

Lady: "Just a quick question. Real quick. Honey, can I ask a question?"

Me: "yeah, what?"

Lady: "In the mornings, how long do you wait after showing before you leave the house?"

Now this did give me pause. Because I honestly thought she would ask for either directions, or money.

Me: "Uhh, I actually usually shower at night."

Lady: "At night?! I can't do that!"

Me: "Yeah."

Lady: "But see, I keep getting sick. And I don't know if it is because I leave the house too soon after showering."

Me: "/stare/"

Lady: "I have been waiting an hour. Do you think an hour is enough time? Sweetheart, do you think an hour is right?"

Me: "Yeah, I definitely think that an hour is enough time. You should be good to go."

Lady: "BUT I KEEP GETTING SICK!"

Me: "Well, it is cold season."

Lady: "But this is from showering. You shower at night?! Huh."


At this point, I had arrived at my car already, been putting my stuff in, and was trying to leave.


Me: "Yeah, but I am sure an hour is enough time. One would certainly think so."

Lady: "Yeah. But I mean... I sure keep getting sick."

Me: "Bye."


I also took a moment when I got into my car to reflect on how not only do strangers like to talk to me, they also really like to call me "sweetheart." I get that a lot. I guess it's just 'cause I seem and look so darn nice.