So I am basically a bachelor. Nobody thinks of single females as the type to despise food shopping, cooking, and doing dishes. But oh yeah, that is so me. So I have a tendency to get home, look in the barren fridge, have a pepperoncini or pickle slice, and go "I should SO just run out for a sushi roll or turkey burger" (to one of the places within half a block of me that make either option phenomenally convenient).
The other night I am craving sushi, so I head around the corner and order one sushi roll for myself and there is a sports game on the TV. Whatever, sushi is super fast, and I am good watching TV myself and then going home.
The guy next to me is about 65 and seems pretty benign, so when he starts talking to me I am pretty polite. It all seems like normal things; then he gets around to saying, "I have been a huge, huge Mets fan ever since the team came to be! I have loved them since '62! Will always be a fan!!" So things seem to be interesting for me. I asked "so how do you like CitiField?" His completely blank stare should have been a sign that maybe he wasn't totally above board with normalcy. "How do I like WHAT?"
"CitiField?"
"No, that is where the Yankees play."
"No, actually, they have enough money to STILL call their new stadium Yankee Stadium, but we play in CitiField."
"Really?!"
"Yup."
"Well."
I mean, that was kind of sign one. But my sushi hadn't arrived yet, and I was hungry, so we ended up still chatting a bit about stupid things I don't even remember. I start to think, "this guy is a little weird" right as my food comes. Strange Guy goes to the bathroom and the weirdo to the other side of me goes, "yo. yo. Yo, you eatin' Sushi????" So I look over and go, "ha, yeah. Sushi!" and he responds by saying, "can I get me one of those?" I mean, the roll has 8 slices and I paid almost $16 for it. Because I LOVE it. So no, I am not throwing $2 at you for no reason. So I totally ignore that guy and decided the crazy older fella is my best bet.
Boy, was I wrong.
So he gets back and starts telling all sorts of stories about the old days. And finally he gets to "so I'm not sure if you remember this, or heck, maybe you were there, but the '64 World's Fair was one heck of a time."
I mean, seriously???? I was born in 1980; the END OF 1980. I really, really don't like being compared to someone who would remember an event almost 20 years before my existence. Really??? If there is one thing you should never, ever, EVER do, it is telling someone they look like they could "remember" an event that happened 16 years BEFORE THEY WERE BORN. And at this point, I started staring at him in horror and distaste. Add 20 years to my life, and you are so dead to me...
So then he takes a call outside. And comes back in complaining about his girlfriend. I just kind of shrug along with older guy, because what do I know about that crap? Simultaneously, creepy "can i get some of dat" sushi guy keeps trying to "wave" me over, while I am sitting just 2 seats away. (I mean, really? Just speak up...) Then the phone rings again, creepy older guy answers it, and then puts THE PHONE IN MY HAND and says, "you have to talk to her, she won't listen to reason."
I am a wuss, by nature (working on that) so I go, ".....helloooo?" when I pick up the phone. This woman starts yelling at me. "And just who are you? Who do you think you are? You are out there trying to pick up MY MAN?" So I start to calmly explain to her the situation. I mean, why did I even try to do this?? Really, I am so stupid for not going, "oh I just developed a random case of being MUTE."
Oh my God.... I am NOT picking up a SIXTY-FIVE YEAR OLD MAN! I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET SOME SUSHI!!! And why did I field this call? Oh yeah, I am the biggest wuss ever.
"Hi, so I just want to let you know that I am here and there is absolutely nothing inappropriate going on, and he was just talking to me about sports while I waited for my sushi and he was just making small talk while I'm here, which is soon to come to a rapid end as I'm on my way out and there is absolutely nothing, nothing, for you to worry about. I mean, I'm THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD... CLEARLY nothing is happening."
her: "Well how do you think I feel when I hear that my BOYFRIEND is talking to some... TEXTBOOK EDITOR??!"
She spits the words out like it had been "prostitute" or "terrorist." I mean, really? Editors are SO not that bad. And frankly, SO not a romantic threat to you... we EDIT. Come on....
But anyway this complete stranger is yelling at me over the phone over a complete stranger who I was having less than 0% romantic chats with, and never would, and it just all felt so surreal. And I hate the part of me that goes, "But I have to fix this for him and PROVE that we aren't romantic!" Because how much is that NOT MY JOB in life.
Also, I never, ever, ever want to be the girl who actually speaks to someone on the PHONE when my significant other says "but no, she isn't a big deal!" Because I 100% wasn't, but come on. How pathetic is that. You guys have issues.
