Recently I went for my yearly physical again. And I swear, every year they change the stupid gowns. This year, they were really spacey looking. But also, they have this plasticy lining that makes you so hot and gross inside. It felt like wearing saran wrap. And you have that little tie around you, trying to hold the gown together. I mean, it opens in the front and you have to sit and they just don't cover anything. You think you are all covered up and then a boob falls out the minute you sit down.
Anyway, we got past all that initial stuff, and I made it through the breast exam this time without yanking his head into my chest (woo hoo!). He asks how my stomach has been because I had issues the previous few years with stomachaches and pains. I mentioned that I had the same issues as before.
He was like, “Okay, that’s it! You have put me off enough on this problem, this year we are doing a rectal exam.” I started to edge away from him, awkwardly shoving the back of my body towards the wall. “What? No no, when I said the same I meant BETTER. It’s totally better. Not at all the same or worse. Nope.”
He wasn’t having it, so he was like “roll over and I’ll bring the nurse in.”
Me: The Nurse?? What, do you want to bring the whole waiting room in here too? God!
Dr: I have to have her in here for that type of exam.
Me: Maybe you can also ask on the street if anybody wants to catch this sight? [I know it's legal, but man, it is hard to give up your modesty like that.]
Dr: [Sigh] I’ll be right back.
So I’m on the table and trying to figure out a way to get around this whole thing. I know it isn't a big deal but this is a whole new level with my doctor and frankly, I’m not sure I am ready to go there.
He comes in with the nurse and starts giving me a speech over me as I am trying to deter him from coming near me with his gloved hand.
Dr: Okay, for a few days you may be red and sore at the site, and you may have some itching or start to feel sick...
Me: WHAT??
Dr: Oh my God, I’m so sorry, it is flu shot season and I am so used to giving that speech I just automatically started on it. Please, you will be fine. You won’t even notice.
Dr: Oh my God, I’m so sorry, it is flu shot season and I am so used to giving that speech I just automatically started on it. Please, you will be fine. You won’t even notice.
Me: You know, this isn't instilling in me a sense of comradery and the desire to tell you things in the future! I’m not a big fan of this!
Dr: Yeah, I hate to tell you this, but it isn't really the highlight of my day, either. Sorry.
Point taken. Anyway, it seriously was like five awkward seconds and then over. It really isn't a big deal, but man, I hate those awkward doctor moments.
